lisamia

Haven't posted in forever, but thought it would be a good time to catch up. Life is better. Joe is better. He goes to school every day; takes the bus; has been able to cut back on meds and therapy. Saturdays are the bad days recently, but this last Saturday, he and I went to get our hair cut, then we went to lunch, and then he went with me to the hardware store. He didn't hide in the car. He didn't have an anxiety attack. We had fun. I think to myself, it's a miracle, but it's not. It's Joe's strength and mine. I am very proud of both of us. I got through the big scary meeting with David and the lawyers, Thursday. Nothing is certain, really, but it looks good for the kids and me--keeping the house, and me getting two or three years to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. When I got home, after the meeting, I set up my copier/printer/fax machine that's been hiding in my closet for months. I've been scared to set it up, fearing I'd do something stupid and break it or my computer. I kept waiting around for a man to do this, because it's what men do. But after standing up to David's lawyer, I came home and set up the damn printer. It works great! If anyone wants a fax, let me know!

Oh, and then there is this: http://theharrow.com/journal/index.php/journal/article/view/2103/572

Who Wants to be a Superhero spoiler...

Monkey girl was my favorite superhero, until tonight when she was busted on being a liar (she's an actress!) and revealing her secret identity!! Oh well, Captain Victory is still in the running. OMG, what if Creature wins???

I have the best friends and the best kids. Jenn, I love you.

I wrote for a long time, yesterday. Taking the story one step at a time, and letting the characters lead me, seems to be working. It's fun, too, because I get to see what happens next instead of force it. I don't know if this way of writing will get me to the end of the book, but at least it's taking me to the middle.

Joe spoke to his best friend, on Saturday--first time in a year. They chatted for hours on the phone, and then got online together to spam each other. He was laughing and sounding like a 15 year old kid. Angela and I were so happy.

Life is good.

Just had a 90 minute class at the dojo, and I am feeling grrreat. I sweated buckets, drank tons of water, getting all the anxiety toxins out of my body. I wore my new sports bra, and I am in love! I've been studying martial arts for 8 or 9 years, and it has never failed to save my life and restore my desire to keep going and get what ever job I have to do, done.

Joe has gone on walks with me two days in a row. He's been in pretty good spirits, too. I think walking in the morning is getting him up before he has a chance to sink down. Keeping my fingers crossed it will continue.

That collage workshop turned out to be every helpful for the novel. Mostly, it enabled me to see the characters more clearly and 3D. I keep the collage by my side as I write and look at it when self consciousness starts making me freeze.

I went to a workshop, today, with Jenn. It was run by romance writers. The workshop was great, and everyone was very nice, but I was having a really hard time with feeling unmarried, surrounded by women with husbands and small children. Every joke about hubby just pissed me off. I realized I am harboring a lot of bitterness toward married women. It's like I was in the club and now I am not. It has nothing to do with David. I can't stand him and I am so happy not being married to him. It's the identity of being married, of being a wife. It's safe. It's like this cloak of security, and I miss it. And yet, I am loving being unmarried. I have a sense of freedom I only had once before--when I realized I was a writer. There are no strings attached. It's just me making it happen, making the words appear on the screen. Creating worlds. Creating my life, just the way I want it.

We made collages today, cutting out pictures we felt were about our books and pasting them on poster paper. Mine filled both sides of the paper, and it was chaotic and beautiful. It made me wonder about the premise of the novel. I've always felt it was about disconnection. I think it still is, but I think it's also about power and freedom.

I figured out what happens next in the novel. I realized that I was reaching to far and not allowing my characters to put one foot in front of the next. When I pulled back and let them just walk, it was so clear. I have no idea what the step is after this one, but it sure feels good to get a teeny bit further than I was yesterday.

Joe and I were driving home from his doctor, tonight, and discussing the need for privacy in therapy and the stigma of mental illness. The subject drifted to people telling me that I should just get Joe to 'cheer up', or 'snap out of it'--that they equate psychotic depression with unhappiness. It's not unhappiness, it's a dire illness. Joe and I talked about that, how he and I know what this is. That he and I know what this has been the last two years. In a selfish way, I suppose, it made me feel good, that this is between him and me. Reminds me Frodo and Sam and the end, back in safety, but they had this place where no one else could go. I feel I have that with Angela too, with the long talks we've had about everything that has happened. We've had such a horrible time, but we've been traveling through it together, getting through it, and slowly, it's getting better. And in the end, we know how strong we are and how much we love each other. Looking at it that way, it's okay. It's our burden.

David is just a person. Yes, he is brilliant and used to wielding a lot of power, but in the end he's just a person, like me. I don't have to be afraid of him. I can face him at that meeting and get through it.

I finally took the whole 90 minute class at the dojo, last night. It's been weeks and I was scared I wouldn't make it through warm up, but I felt pretty good and did the whole thing. I feel like I am slowly getting my energy back.

I got a letter from my lawyer, yesterday. Looks like we are going to have the four way meeting soon. David's lawyer stated they don't agree that sole custody is a moot issue. This isn't going to be fun, but it must be done. I have to protect Joe and myself.

I am stuck on the novel, but what else is new?

After a very busy day, I made dinner and sat down to relax and watch a movie. And then...power outage. Yesterday's temp was somewhere close to 108 and at 5 PM, it was still very hot. Angela had gone to a friend's house, so it was just Joe, me, and the cats at home. We sat together in the living room and read for about an hour--still no power.

I called the electric company emergency number. They had a tape recorded message: Glendale is experiencing a power outage. If you have any knowledge on its cause, please leave a message. If you are calling to tell us that you have no power, we know. Please don't leave a message.

At that moment, this weird chaotic wind started blowing. Joe and I went outside. Storm clouds lurked, and the winds blew hot around us.

Joe said, "You know what this reminds me of?"

"War of the worlds?" I answered.

"Yeah."

Joe was wearing his Douglas Adams tee shirt. It has 42 on the front and a man wearing a towel on his head on the back. I said maybe we should get our towels and stick out thumbs in the air. We both laughed, but then went back inside and it was as scary and hot as before--except it was getting dark.

"Want to go to grandma's?"

"Yeah."

We went back inside, made sure the kitties had ample food and water, and their litter boxes were clean. Then we got in the car and headed for Hollywood and my mom and dad's house. It was just as hot there as in Glendale, and they don't have air conditioner. They never have had it. I watched the end of LA Confidential and end of The Big Lubowski with my mom. At about 10PM, Joe came in and said he was going nuts and couldn't be there because it was too hot. I asked him if he wanted to go home and see if the power was on, but come back if there was no power. He said okay, so off we went.

No power, when we got home. House was pitch black and sweltering. I had no idea where any of our multitude of flash lights were. I said, "Let's go to Sav-on and buy some flash lights, then check the house again. If there's no power, let's go get something to eat." Joe said okay. I noticed he was doing well, given the stress and terror of no lights, tv, computers, weird end of the world heat and wind.

There's all these new fangled flash lights at Sav-on. I bought three fancy ones and two more that plug into wall sockets, but have batteries. They turn on if there is a power failure. We drove by the house again, still no power. By now it was 11 PM. We went to In and Out, as it was the only place open, and got burgers. We were starving! Sucked the food down, and laughed and made end of the world jokes. Again I noticed how well he was doing. It was the middle of the night and we were in a crowded restaurant, and home was not safe. And Joe was laughing, eating, having a good time. One of the servers yelled out, "Guest 42, your food is ready!" Joe and I gave each other a knowing look.

Midnight and home, no power. We had our flash lights. I plugged in the one in the bathroom, and turned it on. Then we both went to bed with our flash light. I woke at 2 AM to the sound of my ceiling fan turning on. The lights were on. I got up and Joe was in the kitchen, dancing with the cats. "It's back!" He told me. We both cheered and danced some more. The house was already cooling down some. I asked him if he realized how well he did and he nodded, said yeah. We hugged and went back to sleep, now in comfort.

Angela and I are hanging paintings and photographs. I bought a stud finder and it's actually working. I wonder if I could locate Keanu Reeves with it... Anyways, The paintings are looking beautiful on the walls of my new house. There's a bunch and some photos that need framing or reframing, so I am off to Aaron Bros to take care of that. The green and beige walls make you want to just go ooooh with the painting hanging on them. Very cool. I love my house.

(<a href="http://pyesetz.furtopia.org/meme-3col-DeathNote.html">Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

× I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (glasses)	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.  (And they all have warts and mildew.)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

I dreamed that robbers came into my house and stole the tvs and computers. Then they set up a flea market in the living room and dining room! I nabbed them and threatened them into submission with my new shower head which I said I would use as a shuriken. They lined up on a pile of Persian rugs, with their hands over their heads. We waited for the cops. I got my stuff back. The dream changed to Wiscon. There was a gift shop there, very cool one--lots of cosmetics and clothes. I went in to shop. I bought this pretty white outfit, pants and a halter top. The shop keeper threw in two bras for free because she heard I got robbed. Then another shop keeper gave me free panties. I was all set for the banquet! Woke up two minutes before my alarm went off.